i've realized by now that there are mean people. like our landlord. it can't be helped. i can't quite grasp how they justify their actions to themselves at night, but somehow they manage it.

i just never expect when people i love are mean to me. i must interpret the things i do as overly nice and to them they just seem extremely rude or something. like my roommates. the past few weeks i have tried to hard to show that i want to be here. i bought flowers, i bought them candy when i walked alone to the grocery store on an injured knee because they all went to costco without asking me when i was at work. i bought them each a box of candy hearts with a endearing message on the back last week (which jenny left, untouched on the table for the week). i came home yesterday from work with a bag of valentine's day m&m's. i paid rent and utilities on time. i do my dishes, i put my shit away. i empty the garbage when i see it's full. i jump and hug jenny and kelina when i come home and ask how their day went. i just don't understand what more i could be doing to illustrate that i enjoy living with them. that this is my house too. i didn't feel this way last quarter. i felt isolated and unhappy and i hated it. i really did. but after the flood i've actually had fun. me and kelina pretended to walk on the ceiling, and tea everynight with everyone is great. we played sardines and me and joe had a beer the other night because we felt like it.

and yesterday, when i bounced up the stairs to say hi to jenny and give her ten dollars she asked me if i was mad at her. what?! why is she so fucking conceited that she thinks i purposefully took note of what dish she had eaten dinner on and then decided to leave it in the sink and not wash it on top of my dishes to spite her. AND SHE ACCUSED ME OF NOT WASHING MY FUCKING CEREAL BOWL. what the hell was she doing watching what bowl i eat in anyway? and how could she see around the corner from the dining room to the kitchen to see if i washed it anyway? and why would i put a dirty dish into the clean dishes? who does she think i am? she offends me so often and i say nothing because i think she just says the wrong thing. but lately i can't handle it. who does she think she is? ajklfdsjkafdsjkl;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;dfsgijlh.

i don't get angry and she has made me angry. i didn't acknowledge her when she ate breakfast this morning.

cold hands, tired feet

it's funny how easily i accept things sometimes. like today i found out that india is going to be incredibly expensive. and if i get any aid, IF i get any, i won't be able to receive it until the first day of fall quarter which is september 26ish and the tuition is due june 10 and we leave in august. and when i left the financial aid dept. i was just kind of like, "well, ok. i guess i should look into another program". where did all my fight go? like there are some programs that would only cost basically the same as western's tuition. and i picked one that is like 10 times that. could i be satisfied with one of those? i could go anywhere in the world. i know i'm lucky. but why does money always get in the way of the best choice?

sam, i'm really sorry about your situation. i truly wish i could do something for you. i wish i could just reach in my pocket and give you a thousand dollars so you could eat. and pay for simone's crew. and buy your parents all that they deserve (even though they appreciate all they have, and are the amazing kind of people who don't need things to be happy). your family works so hard and they just don't get a break. someday they will. i promise. if i ever get rich i will give them that break. they've done so much for me. you have too. let's get coffee tomorrow and just vent. ok? ok.








goodnight moon.