lucky charms

i'm going to peru and that's final.

sesame street

he said i love you. the way it happened was like a dream. i seriously wondered if it actually happened. we were sitting in his car after watching the sun set over all of seattle. he said it. and it felt so normal it didn't even register that something momentous just took place. and i didn't tell anyone this, but i knew he was going to say it. for 10 minutes i was scared he would say it. his eyes were all glisteny like and when that music came on i just knew. and i knew that he loves me. i know he loves me. i think i love him. i know i do as a friend. as one of my best friends. but i'm scared that i don't know what that kind of love feels like. so i'm scared to say it. but i said it anyway.

even if i do feel that way, i'm not ready to say it yet. maybe b/c i'm scared of giving my heart away to someone. b/c for all these years i've had responsibility for it and it's done ok. just a little heart ache here and there. but if i give it to someone else they might drop it, or forget it on the bus or not feed it enough. they might step on it or throw it away (not even recycle it) or neglect it. maybe b/c it might become full and happy and what if it bursts? or what if i am so happy, so indescribably happy, and i've finally been able to give my heart away and then something changes and it destroys me just like dad did to mom? or worst of all, what if i did that to him?

i had to ask him the next morning if that really happened. i felt like such an idiot and i couldn't even say those three words in the question. i said, "ummm....did you happen to say something to me last night?" as if he would get what i was saying. and of course he did b/c he's the nicest guy ever and he's near perfect. and i had to explain how it felt so natural and i hope i didn't offend him at all i just couldn't find the strength to tell him the truth. so i said it again. and i winced inside.

oh boy. i'm not ready am i?