Hay humeda aca. muy humeda. y hace muchisimo calor. but that's what i signed up :) sand in between things it shouldn't be between, my body craving water but reaching for another beer, too much sun, strangers, dancing, cheap dorm beds, sweatysweatysweaty, salty hair, fresh papitas for 80 cents. life is good. la pura vida.
i'm settling into the traveler's life. i was scared at first. didn't want to talk to people. didn't want to seem uncool to all these cool world travelers. but wait, i am cool. i've done cool things. i've traveled to the same beach town in the same cool way and i actually live here. why be scared? why not make mistakes in spanish? why not talk to people? i can't go on random adventures with new friends if i stick to myself all the time. so...mission for next week: talk to at least one person a day! i don't mind having a transition week where i use the internet a lot and get coffee by myself while i study spanish in a little cafe. i don't mind sunbathing alone or just smiling at people as they pass instead of learning about their entire lives. that's ok. but i need to push myself a little i think. pienso que si.
3 weeks on trail tired me out. but hopefully 2 weeks in the sun will build me up. and i'm going to get fit and healthy. i've already run on the beach and in the jungle. it feels good.
ok got to go surfing now :)
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
1,186 days later...
It's 2014. I'm 25 years old. The last time I posted was in 2010 when I was 21 years old. It was pretty amazing reading those old posts. Did I write those? Am I the same person as the one who typed away, hoping and not hoping to be anonymous, who complained because Andy wanted to spend so much time with her, who loved "getting shit-faced", who dreamed of going to India, who thought she was fat, who was unsure of her future, who thought she was uncool?
Time is an interesting thing. I can't believe that it's been 4 years since I lived in that peach house on Whatcom Street. It actually feels longer. I seemed so unsure of myself, of decisions, of confrontation. I'm happy to say that I have grown. Confrontation and messy relationships became a part of my life/work/job/expectations.
And Andy. It's been 5 years next month. What? It's crazy to think about where we are now compared to our first year or two. We've lived together, moved to another state together, I've let a lot go and been completely vulnerable/depressed/drunk/silly/mean/stupid/head-over-heels/clingy/lovebug with him. And now I am the one who wants more time with him than he does with me. He doesn't want to live with me anymore...for a while it seems. He can't tell me he will love me forever like I did to him. I do feel that way. Especially lately--feeling trapped in my mom's basement, in bellevue, en route--I've actually yearned for him. My heart actually aches. There are times when my body, mind, soul just screams for his presence. I've not felt this way before. Definitely not 4 years ago, not even last year. And to think I wanted to break up with him. Those were my feelings then just as these are real now. And it's actually scary not having the person you feel that strongly for say that back. I know he loves me. But I can't get in his brain. He doesn't want to live with me anymore...he can't say he wants to ever marry me or be with me forever...these things register fear and uncertainty and huge self-doubt inside me. Huge self-doubt. Does this mean he wants to break up with me? Is he saying he loves me but he really doesn't? Will he ever want to live with me again? If he never wants to live with me what is the point? If he can never commit to me can I handle that? Is that fair to me? Is there unequal power here? If I keep going away on adventures (and he keeps being so supportive...too supportive?) will I lose him? If I don't keep going on adventures like I seem to be drawn to will I lose myself? Does he miss me like I miss him? Does his love for me overwhelm him sometimes like mine does? Does he truly think I'm beautiful? Do my insecurities scare him?
And I don't know how to talk about this with him or other people. I tried and I just started bawling. And I felt weird talking about it with friends. I just felt like I sounded conceited or shallow or asking too much. And I didn't know how to explain myself or put words to my emotions. And I haven't talked to Sam in ages. Not real talk. Not roomie talk. Not best friend talk. Not complaining talk. Not sad talk. Not happy/proud/boasting talk. Not secret dreams and desires talk. Not much talk. Just pleasantries or texts or about our families. She's hard to get a hold of and I'm never online/don't have a smartphone. And it seems like she's grown up. No more sleepovers. No more drunken pub crawls. Distance and time and work and busy have taken over both of us. Why haven't we connected more? Skyped more? Written more letters? It's not just one of us but both. Maybe I feel she's growing and I'm still immature. Maybe I feel embarrassed to be myself in front of Daniel because I'm so silly and don't have a real job and can't explain my life and it seems/i assume it's incomprehensible and confusing to europeans what I do (like explaining when I was in France) so I awkardly avoid talking to him and then feel bad. I just wanted some sam time. with miche. with the recycling crew. and it was tough not to get it. and i know she was busy with family which is incredibly important but maybe i just wish. maybe i just wish. maybe i just wish that time could be suspended and things simplified and life made clear and intentions made clear and love just celebrated and silly just expected and polite shyness evaporated and efforts recognized.
And here I am. 25 in my mom's basement like a Macklemore song. Not even in the basement but in the forgotten storage room off the garage. With unfinished walls, scraps of carpet, creativity and a space heater. And quiet. And sadness. And escape. And a part-time retail job. And still no idea what my future holds. That much hasn't changed in 4 years. Well, I've had glimpses, and passions and "definitely i'm going to do this" moments that dissipate after a few days, weeks or months. But here I am, just as worried and confused about how I'm going to change the world.
But I'm going to Costa Rica :) in 13 days :) for 6 months :/ and i don't know much spanish, and i'm scared and i haven't guided in 6 months and i don't know the program or the country and i've never traveled alone to a spanish speaking country and what the hell did i get myself into and how did i get this opportunity and will i survive and will andy still love me or will he fall for someone else and how can i still have these insecurities after 5 years and will i learn to surf and can i run there and how are women treated and could i get an apartment on the beach and will it be paradise or scaradise and who will my co-guides be and will we get along or will i be awkward shy or fake confident? will i be happy?
and there's grandpa. that's for another time. when i have more of a heart at peace and feel more like rambling/complaining/being honest.
whew. feels good to get it all out there. to dust off the keys and let feelings and fears out through my fingers. and to hope to be anonymous again.
Time is an interesting thing. I can't believe that it's been 4 years since I lived in that peach house on Whatcom Street. It actually feels longer. I seemed so unsure of myself, of decisions, of confrontation. I'm happy to say that I have grown. Confrontation and messy relationships became a part of my life/work/job/expectations.
And Andy. It's been 5 years next month. What? It's crazy to think about where we are now compared to our first year or two. We've lived together, moved to another state together, I've let a lot go and been completely vulnerable/depressed/drunk/silly/mean/stupid/head-over-heels/clingy/lovebug with him. And now I am the one who wants more time with him than he does with me. He doesn't want to live with me anymore...for a while it seems. He can't tell me he will love me forever like I did to him. I do feel that way. Especially lately--feeling trapped in my mom's basement, in bellevue, en route--I've actually yearned for him. My heart actually aches. There are times when my body, mind, soul just screams for his presence. I've not felt this way before. Definitely not 4 years ago, not even last year. And to think I wanted to break up with him. Those were my feelings then just as these are real now. And it's actually scary not having the person you feel that strongly for say that back. I know he loves me. But I can't get in his brain. He doesn't want to live with me anymore...he can't say he wants to ever marry me or be with me forever...these things register fear and uncertainty and huge self-doubt inside me. Huge self-doubt. Does this mean he wants to break up with me? Is he saying he loves me but he really doesn't? Will he ever want to live with me again? If he never wants to live with me what is the point? If he can never commit to me can I handle that? Is that fair to me? Is there unequal power here? If I keep going away on adventures (and he keeps being so supportive...too supportive?) will I lose him? If I don't keep going on adventures like I seem to be drawn to will I lose myself? Does he miss me like I miss him? Does his love for me overwhelm him sometimes like mine does? Does he truly think I'm beautiful? Do my insecurities scare him?
And I don't know how to talk about this with him or other people. I tried and I just started bawling. And I felt weird talking about it with friends. I just felt like I sounded conceited or shallow or asking too much. And I didn't know how to explain myself or put words to my emotions. And I haven't talked to Sam in ages. Not real talk. Not roomie talk. Not best friend talk. Not complaining talk. Not sad talk. Not happy/proud/boasting talk. Not secret dreams and desires talk. Not much talk. Just pleasantries or texts or about our families. She's hard to get a hold of and I'm never online/don't have a smartphone. And it seems like she's grown up. No more sleepovers. No more drunken pub crawls. Distance and time and work and busy have taken over both of us. Why haven't we connected more? Skyped more? Written more letters? It's not just one of us but both. Maybe I feel she's growing and I'm still immature. Maybe I feel embarrassed to be myself in front of Daniel because I'm so silly and don't have a real job and can't explain my life and it seems/i assume it's incomprehensible and confusing to europeans what I do (like explaining when I was in France) so I awkardly avoid talking to him and then feel bad. I just wanted some sam time. with miche. with the recycling crew. and it was tough not to get it. and i know she was busy with family which is incredibly important but maybe i just wish. maybe i just wish. maybe i just wish that time could be suspended and things simplified and life made clear and intentions made clear and love just celebrated and silly just expected and polite shyness evaporated and efforts recognized.
And here I am. 25 in my mom's basement like a Macklemore song. Not even in the basement but in the forgotten storage room off the garage. With unfinished walls, scraps of carpet, creativity and a space heater. And quiet. And sadness. And escape. And a part-time retail job. And still no idea what my future holds. That much hasn't changed in 4 years. Well, I've had glimpses, and passions and "definitely i'm going to do this" moments that dissipate after a few days, weeks or months. But here I am, just as worried and confused about how I'm going to change the world.
But I'm going to Costa Rica :) in 13 days :) for 6 months :/ and i don't know much spanish, and i'm scared and i haven't guided in 6 months and i don't know the program or the country and i've never traveled alone to a spanish speaking country and what the hell did i get myself into and how did i get this opportunity and will i survive and will andy still love me or will he fall for someone else and how can i still have these insecurities after 5 years and will i learn to surf and can i run there and how are women treated and could i get an apartment on the beach and will it be paradise or scaradise and who will my co-guides be and will we get along or will i be awkward shy or fake confident? will i be happy?
and there's grandpa. that's for another time. when i have more of a heart at peace and feel more like rambling/complaining/being honest.
whew. feels good to get it all out there. to dust off the keys and let feelings and fears out through my fingers. and to hope to be anonymous again.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
isn't it ironic
the last time i posted, a year ago, i was mad at you because you wanted to hang out so much. and tonight, the one time i've looked at this blog in so long, i'm mad because you didn't want to come over. best girlfriend ever?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
i'm really bad at saying things. for no reason, too. i just wait and wait until it's far more awkward than it should be because maybe it wouldn't have been awkward at all in the first place.
i need space. i used to be a fun, independent woman who party hopped and was flexible and went where the night took me. but now i feel stuck. i dread the weekends in a way because it means i don't have an excuse to not want you to spend the night. because i will have to lie and say i'd rather spend time with you than go to a party and get shit faced. i freaking love getting shit faced. and you don't understand that. i tried to tell you. and i thought we talked. but now you are back to making me feel guilty about going out without you. YOU DON'T LIKE PARTIES. you say you do, but whenever you go it's obvious you aren't having fun. Your feelings get hurt when i go to parties. so either you go with me, and then i don't have fun because you don't have fun, or i don't get to go to parties and you are happy. there's a problem here. you offended me last night. i paid for you to get into the buffalo and you fell asleep at the table. that is just plain rude. i was there trying to spend time with hilary and you took away from our time. we were both distracted and neither one of us had a good time. i need to be able to go out without you. i like being around a lot of people. i like being spontaneous. i don't want to be one of those couples who has to do everything together. i have this idea of a perfect relationship: we have planned date nights or stay in nights one night a weekend and i get to spend the other night with other friends to keep up those ties. i don't know if that's allowed in a relationship. if not, maybe i'm not ready then. i think i've lost a lot of friendship ties this year. sam is amazing and beautiful and is hanging out with rugby and lacrosse people more than me. she parties with my old crew and i don't. why can't we party together?
i need space. i used to be a fun, independent woman who party hopped and was flexible and went where the night took me. but now i feel stuck. i dread the weekends in a way because it means i don't have an excuse to not want you to spend the night. because i will have to lie and say i'd rather spend time with you than go to a party and get shit faced. i freaking love getting shit faced. and you don't understand that. i tried to tell you. and i thought we talked. but now you are back to making me feel guilty about going out without you. YOU DON'T LIKE PARTIES. you say you do, but whenever you go it's obvious you aren't having fun. Your feelings get hurt when i go to parties. so either you go with me, and then i don't have fun because you don't have fun, or i don't get to go to parties and you are happy. there's a problem here. you offended me last night. i paid for you to get into the buffalo and you fell asleep at the table. that is just plain rude. i was there trying to spend time with hilary and you took away from our time. we were both distracted and neither one of us had a good time. i need to be able to go out without you. i like being around a lot of people. i like being spontaneous. i don't want to be one of those couples who has to do everything together. i have this idea of a perfect relationship: we have planned date nights or stay in nights one night a weekend and i get to spend the other night with other friends to keep up those ties. i don't know if that's allowed in a relationship. if not, maybe i'm not ready then. i think i've lost a lot of friendship ties this year. sam is amazing and beautiful and is hanging out with rugby and lacrosse people more than me. she parties with my old crew and i don't. why can't we party together?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
sesame street
he said i love you. the way it happened was like a dream. i seriously wondered if it actually happened. we were sitting in his car after watching the sun set over all of seattle. he said it. and it felt so normal it didn't even register that something momentous just took place. and i didn't tell anyone this, but i knew he was going to say it. for 10 minutes i was scared he would say it. his eyes were all glisteny like and when that music came on i just knew. and i knew that he loves me. i know he loves me. i think i love him. i know i do as a friend. as one of my best friends. but i'm scared that i don't know what that kind of love feels like. so i'm scared to say it. but i said it anyway.
even if i do feel that way, i'm not ready to say it yet. maybe b/c i'm scared of giving my heart away to someone. b/c for all these years i've had responsibility for it and it's done ok. just a little heart ache here and there. but if i give it to someone else they might drop it, or forget it on the bus or not feed it enough. they might step on it or throw it away (not even recycle it) or neglect it. maybe b/c it might become full and happy and what if it bursts? or what if i am so happy, so indescribably happy, and i've finally been able to give my heart away and then something changes and it destroys me just like dad did to mom? or worst of all, what if i did that to him?
i had to ask him the next morning if that really happened. i felt like such an idiot and i couldn't even say those three words in the question. i said, "ummm....did you happen to say something to me last night?" as if he would get what i was saying. and of course he did b/c he's the nicest guy ever and he's near perfect. and i had to explain how it felt so natural and i hope i didn't offend him at all i just couldn't find the strength to tell him the truth. so i said it again. and i winced inside.
oh boy. i'm not ready am i?
even if i do feel that way, i'm not ready to say it yet. maybe b/c i'm scared of giving my heart away to someone. b/c for all these years i've had responsibility for it and it's done ok. just a little heart ache here and there. but if i give it to someone else they might drop it, or forget it on the bus or not feed it enough. they might step on it or throw it away (not even recycle it) or neglect it. maybe b/c it might become full and happy and what if it bursts? or what if i am so happy, so indescribably happy, and i've finally been able to give my heart away and then something changes and it destroys me just like dad did to mom? or worst of all, what if i did that to him?
i had to ask him the next morning if that really happened. i felt like such an idiot and i couldn't even say those three words in the question. i said, "ummm....did you happen to say something to me last night?" as if he would get what i was saying. and of course he did b/c he's the nicest guy ever and he's near perfect. and i had to explain how it felt so natural and i hope i didn't offend him at all i just couldn't find the strength to tell him the truth. so i said it again. and i winced inside.
oh boy. i'm not ready am i?
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
i want to interact with other humans not preprogrammed money machines.
i don't understand the world sometimes. or the people in it. i don't comprehend how much hatred and malice can coexist with such beauty and purity. How can war and corruption and consumption take place while at the same time, in a quiet forest, a baby fern can unfurl with such grace, not asking for anything?
Why do humans need so damn much? Or further, why do I feel I need so much sometimes? Why can't I stop consuming, stop caring about what they tell us, stop that pressure that crushes our morals? Why do I get upset about buying the smallest thing but want everything so badly? I think I hate Bellevue. I hate what it stands for, what people are proud of here. I hate the reputation it gives me, that i inhereted, that i can't scrub off. My hands are stained for greed I did not commit to. I don't want cute clothes, i don't want to work for gap. i don't want to be stared at for riding my bike. i don't want to think about my body. i want to live.
i want to interact with other humans not preprogrammed money machines.
i just don't understand.
Why do humans need so damn much? Or further, why do I feel I need so much sometimes? Why can't I stop consuming, stop caring about what they tell us, stop that pressure that crushes our morals? Why do I get upset about buying the smallest thing but want everything so badly? I think I hate Bellevue. I hate what it stands for, what people are proud of here. I hate the reputation it gives me, that i inhereted, that i can't scrub off. My hands are stained for greed I did not commit to. I don't want cute clothes, i don't want to work for gap. i don't want to be stared at for riding my bike. i don't want to think about my body. i want to live.
i want to interact with other humans not preprogrammed money machines.
i just don't understand.
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