long deserved praise

Dear Jen,

Hi. I just want you to know how much of a friend you are. I love how you randomly text me just to see what's up. And how you always, always make me smile when we are around each other. and how we revert to potty humor and then back to talking about life and boys and then back to quoting fake songs. i feel like i have not appreciated you enough in my life. after caroline, i've known you the longest. you are seriously one of my best friends, and i'm sorry if i've ever been rude to you or talked about you because you are SERIOUSLY, genuinely one of the kindest people i know. and there is someone out there for you. i'm glad you haven't thrown yourself at the first guy that gave you attention just to make out. i'm so glad. i'm so proud of you for being adorable and cute and funny and rambunctious and for taking lacrosse and running with it. remember when you almost didn't play? when you came to that meeting last year and almost didn't put your name down? think about how different our lives would be. what would we have done last year? haha. we probably wouldn't have drank as much, that's for sure.

basically, i'm trying to say that i love you. i truly do. you are a best friend. thank you.


dear sam,

i think you are just pmsing, girl. isn't it weird how a wittle egg can turn your world upside down for a few days? you are way cooler than i. even if all 60 rec peeps asked me to lunch one day, i would pick you over them anyday. and truly i have a problem saying no to people (you know this) so when they came with me that day it was because we were walking in the same direction, going to the same place, and i didn't know how to tell them to flip off for a second so i could have a private conversation with my best friend. they are always at the underground. next time let's find a secret spot, ok? i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. i love you with all my heart.

and andy is great, but i hope that he never gets in between us. i hope that we can all hang out together. we haven't really done that yet. would you want to make dinner with me, andy, katy and max someday? or would you feel weird? b/c they are becoming some of my really good friends and i would love it if you could join us. but i know that different groups of friends hang out and it's ok and all to have different friends but maybes you could join us because you mean so much to me.

dear chelsea,

i miss you so much. and i know you are starting a life and it's kinda scary. i know you are scared, but you hide it well. i don't know how you do it. but you get everything you want. and not in an easy handed to you way. you work your ass off. and kick down doors and fences and if something doesn't work out you find a back alley or a side road and you get there anyway. i'm so proud of you. i hope i can someday visit you. say hi to remy for me, and cook some delicious french food for me too :)

dear frenchies,

please don't fall apart.

dear rose,

you are not fat. you are beautiful. it's ok. your knee will heal, your life will go on. your next few years are not set in stone. they should not be. thinking about cancelling your nols trip made you smile and be excited today. there is nothing wrong with that. it just opens up a lot of doors and closes those drawers of worry and anxiety. maybe peru. maybe save money to visit chels next winter. maybe tattoo. remember to buy razors and environmentally safe laundry detergent. oh and some sunscreen. don't feel bad about money. it's ok to buy a white t-shirt for spring. and maybe that dress. just do it. things will fall into place. they always do.

Q & A

weird. i saw khile today for the first time in forever and we just waved at each other and he walked by. no stopping and chatting. no making fun of each other. no questions about weed or what the other is doing this weekend. why do friends grow apart? why do relationships crumble? why does location make the best of friendships or the weakest ones?

why do people change?

why does my dad want everyone around him to struggle and never succeed? in ANYTHING. why is he one of the most confusing people i know?

why:

do i have ingrown hairs?
am i scared to be vegan with andy?
is all that i truly want to do is quit western and go to culinary school? even after founding a major basically tailored to me?
are kids and puppies the cutest things ever?
did i have to get shitty knees?
do people die?
can't i write this fucking essay?
is george bush such an asshole?
can't people accept others?
do people believe so whole heartedly in god and i don't?
am i scared to ask andy what he believes?
do i have such an awesome mom?
do some people make such a difference and others spend their whole lives being invisible?
is nudity more taboo than violence in this country?
am i so scared?
am i so sad these days?

a lot has happened.

a lot happens. a lot will happen.

i'm so sorry celia. i'm sorry for not knowing you better, for honestly not even really remembering you were in new zealand. for not knowing you were doing amazing research about iron in volcanic plumes. for not knowing you liked to dance in the kitchen. for never having been to your house even though you lived near greenlake. for never going to to all the amazing awesome things you invited me to. for signing off on skype one time when you were in england because i didn't know what to say to you. for not being as close as you and sheena and jacquelyn were. for not being more like a sister let alone like a cousin. for not writing a thank you note for your christmas present this year. for everything.

i really want to get away. from everyone. from everything. i've lost my coolness; i'm not cool anymore. i'm so fricking unsure of myself all the time. i had lunch with andy today and he frickin bought me flowers yesterday but when i called him after my bike ride and he didn't ask me what i was doing later i immediately thought that he was mad at me or something. that i said something during lunch or that i'm an idiot or that i'm ugly and he all of a sudden decided that he didn't like me anymore. what the eff david blaine? and i want to text him but feel that if i do i will seem like an insane obsessed freak. is it ok to text him all the time? should i be able to go an entire afternoon and evening combined without communicating? bleh.