lucky charms

i'm going to peru and that's final.

sesame street

he said i love you. the way it happened was like a dream. i seriously wondered if it actually happened. we were sitting in his car after watching the sun set over all of seattle. he said it. and it felt so normal it didn't even register that something momentous just took place. and i didn't tell anyone this, but i knew he was going to say it. for 10 minutes i was scared he would say it. his eyes were all glisteny like and when that music came on i just knew. and i knew that he loves me. i know he loves me. i think i love him. i know i do as a friend. as one of my best friends. but i'm scared that i don't know what that kind of love feels like. so i'm scared to say it. but i said it anyway.

even if i do feel that way, i'm not ready to say it yet. maybe b/c i'm scared of giving my heart away to someone. b/c for all these years i've had responsibility for it and it's done ok. just a little heart ache here and there. but if i give it to someone else they might drop it, or forget it on the bus or not feed it enough. they might step on it or throw it away (not even recycle it) or neglect it. maybe b/c it might become full and happy and what if it bursts? or what if i am so happy, so indescribably happy, and i've finally been able to give my heart away and then something changes and it destroys me just like dad did to mom? or worst of all, what if i did that to him?

i had to ask him the next morning if that really happened. i felt like such an idiot and i couldn't even say those three words in the question. i said, "ummm....did you happen to say something to me last night?" as if he would get what i was saying. and of course he did b/c he's the nicest guy ever and he's near perfect. and i had to explain how it felt so natural and i hope i didn't offend him at all i just couldn't find the strength to tell him the truth. so i said it again. and i winced inside.

oh boy. i'm not ready am i?

i want to interact with other humans not preprogrammed money machines.

i don't understand the world sometimes. or the people in it. i don't comprehend how much hatred and malice can coexist with such beauty and purity. How can war and corruption and consumption take place while at the same time, in a quiet forest, a baby fern can unfurl with such grace, not asking for anything?

Why do humans need so damn much? Or further, why do I feel I need so much sometimes? Why can't I stop consuming, stop caring about what they tell us, stop that pressure that crushes our morals? Why do I get upset about buying the smallest thing but want everything so badly? I think I hate Bellevue. I hate what it stands for, what people are proud of here. I hate the reputation it gives me, that i inhereted, that i can't scrub off. My hands are stained for greed I did not commit to. I don't want cute clothes, i don't want to work for gap. i don't want to be stared at for riding my bike. i don't want to think about my body. i want to live.

i want to interact with other humans not preprogrammed money machines.

i just don't understand.

LIFE IS EITHER A DARING ADVENTURE, OR NOTHING.

-helen keller, 1940

whiskey serious.

andy met the fam this weekend and it was great. i think i'm falling in something. maybe the big L, maybe the big like, maybe a big pot of cuteness. whatever it is, i like it. and i finally brought up the whole past girlfriend question. it took me a long time, i think bc i was embarrassed that i didn't have any history really. i had this notion that if he found out i didn't ever have a boyfriend he would think i was a loser or see how innocent i was in high school and not want me anymore. but that is not the case. no no. we are in like with each other for sure. !

and i'm going to peru for three weeks this summer. and i'm volunteering with disabled kids in the outdoors. and i'm working at a farmer's market (...and gap kids...don't really want to brag about that). but i'm feeling cool again and i feel like my life is worth something again. i really think there is a correlation b/w volunteering and how happy i am. when i'm not giving back i feel like i'm missing something. so. note to self: always volunteer. there is always time to give away to others who need it.

time can change me but i can't change time

i can't believe how fricking fast things/life/years go by. there's only three weeks left of school? when did that happen? i only have 4 quarters left before i can graduate? what's that about? what the FUCK is that about? what the fuck am i going to do with my life?

an entire month passed since last time i posted. what happened? alotalotalotalot.alot.agoodlot.anamazinglot.
apainfullot.abusylot.asunnylot.akayakinglot.
animissmommylot.anikissandylot.
anicantwaitforfreakingsummerlot.
anihopeiappreciatemylifelot.alotalot.alot.

long deserved praise

Dear Jen,

Hi. I just want you to know how much of a friend you are. I love how you randomly text me just to see what's up. And how you always, always make me smile when we are around each other. and how we revert to potty humor and then back to talking about life and boys and then back to quoting fake songs. i feel like i have not appreciated you enough in my life. after caroline, i've known you the longest. you are seriously one of my best friends, and i'm sorry if i've ever been rude to you or talked about you because you are SERIOUSLY, genuinely one of the kindest people i know. and there is someone out there for you. i'm glad you haven't thrown yourself at the first guy that gave you attention just to make out. i'm so glad. i'm so proud of you for being adorable and cute and funny and rambunctious and for taking lacrosse and running with it. remember when you almost didn't play? when you came to that meeting last year and almost didn't put your name down? think about how different our lives would be. what would we have done last year? haha. we probably wouldn't have drank as much, that's for sure.

basically, i'm trying to say that i love you. i truly do. you are a best friend. thank you.


dear sam,

i think you are just pmsing, girl. isn't it weird how a wittle egg can turn your world upside down for a few days? you are way cooler than i. even if all 60 rec peeps asked me to lunch one day, i would pick you over them anyday. and truly i have a problem saying no to people (you know this) so when they came with me that day it was because we were walking in the same direction, going to the same place, and i didn't know how to tell them to flip off for a second so i could have a private conversation with my best friend. they are always at the underground. next time let's find a secret spot, ok? i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. i love you with all my heart.

and andy is great, but i hope that he never gets in between us. i hope that we can all hang out together. we haven't really done that yet. would you want to make dinner with me, andy, katy and max someday? or would you feel weird? b/c they are becoming some of my really good friends and i would love it if you could join us. but i know that different groups of friends hang out and it's ok and all to have different friends but maybes you could join us because you mean so much to me.

dear chelsea,

i miss you so much. and i know you are starting a life and it's kinda scary. i know you are scared, but you hide it well. i don't know how you do it. but you get everything you want. and not in an easy handed to you way. you work your ass off. and kick down doors and fences and if something doesn't work out you find a back alley or a side road and you get there anyway. i'm so proud of you. i hope i can someday visit you. say hi to remy for me, and cook some delicious french food for me too :)

dear frenchies,

please don't fall apart.

dear rose,

you are not fat. you are beautiful. it's ok. your knee will heal, your life will go on. your next few years are not set in stone. they should not be. thinking about cancelling your nols trip made you smile and be excited today. there is nothing wrong with that. it just opens up a lot of doors and closes those drawers of worry and anxiety. maybe peru. maybe save money to visit chels next winter. maybe tattoo. remember to buy razors and environmentally safe laundry detergent. oh and some sunscreen. don't feel bad about money. it's ok to buy a white t-shirt for spring. and maybe that dress. just do it. things will fall into place. they always do.