i'm really bad at saying things. for no reason, too. i just wait and wait until it's far more awkward than it should be because maybe it wouldn't have been awkward at all in the first place.

i need space. i used to be a fun, independent woman who party hopped and was flexible and went where the night took me. but now i feel stuck. i dread the weekends in a way because it means i don't have an excuse to not want you to spend the night. because i will have to lie and say i'd rather spend time with you than go to a party and get shit faced. i freaking love getting shit faced. and you don't understand that. i tried to tell you. and i thought we talked. but now you are back to making me feel guilty about going out without you. YOU DON'T LIKE PARTIES. you say you do, but whenever you go it's obvious you aren't having fun. Your feelings get hurt when i go to parties. so either you go with me, and then i don't have fun because you don't have fun, or i don't get to go to parties and you are happy. there's a problem here. you offended me last night. i paid for you to get into the buffalo and you fell asleep at the table. that is just plain rude. i was there trying to spend time with hilary and you took away from our time. we were both distracted and neither one of us had a good time. i need to be able to go out without you. i like being around a lot of people. i like being spontaneous. i don't want to be one of those couples who has to do everything together. i have this idea of a perfect relationship: we have planned date nights or stay in nights one night a weekend and i get to spend the other night with other friends to keep up those ties. i don't know if that's allowed in a relationship. if not, maybe i'm not ready then. i think i've lost a lot of friendship ties this year. sam is amazing and beautiful and is hanging out with rugby and lacrosse people more than me. she parties with my old crew and i don't. why can't we party together?

lucky charms

i'm going to peru and that's final.

sesame street

he said i love you. the way it happened was like a dream. i seriously wondered if it actually happened. we were sitting in his car after watching the sun set over all of seattle. he said it. and it felt so normal it didn't even register that something momentous just took place. and i didn't tell anyone this, but i knew he was going to say it. for 10 minutes i was scared he would say it. his eyes were all glisteny like and when that music came on i just knew. and i knew that he loves me. i know he loves me. i think i love him. i know i do as a friend. as one of my best friends. but i'm scared that i don't know what that kind of love feels like. so i'm scared to say it. but i said it anyway.

even if i do feel that way, i'm not ready to say it yet. maybe b/c i'm scared of giving my heart away to someone. b/c for all these years i've had responsibility for it and it's done ok. just a little heart ache here and there. but if i give it to someone else they might drop it, or forget it on the bus or not feed it enough. they might step on it or throw it away (not even recycle it) or neglect it. maybe b/c it might become full and happy and what if it bursts? or what if i am so happy, so indescribably happy, and i've finally been able to give my heart away and then something changes and it destroys me just like dad did to mom? or worst of all, what if i did that to him?

i had to ask him the next morning if that really happened. i felt like such an idiot and i couldn't even say those three words in the question. i said, "ummm....did you happen to say something to me last night?" as if he would get what i was saying. and of course he did b/c he's the nicest guy ever and he's near perfect. and i had to explain how it felt so natural and i hope i didn't offend him at all i just couldn't find the strength to tell him the truth. so i said it again. and i winced inside.

oh boy. i'm not ready am i?

i want to interact with other humans not preprogrammed money machines.

i don't understand the world sometimes. or the people in it. i don't comprehend how much hatred and malice can coexist with such beauty and purity. How can war and corruption and consumption take place while at the same time, in a quiet forest, a baby fern can unfurl with such grace, not asking for anything?

Why do humans need so damn much? Or further, why do I feel I need so much sometimes? Why can't I stop consuming, stop caring about what they tell us, stop that pressure that crushes our morals? Why do I get upset about buying the smallest thing but want everything so badly? I think I hate Bellevue. I hate what it stands for, what people are proud of here. I hate the reputation it gives me, that i inhereted, that i can't scrub off. My hands are stained for greed I did not commit to. I don't want cute clothes, i don't want to work for gap. i don't want to be stared at for riding my bike. i don't want to think about my body. i want to live.

i want to interact with other humans not preprogrammed money machines.

i just don't understand.

LIFE IS EITHER A DARING ADVENTURE, OR NOTHING.

-helen keller, 1940

whiskey serious.

andy met the fam this weekend and it was great. i think i'm falling in something. maybe the big L, maybe the big like, maybe a big pot of cuteness. whatever it is, i like it. and i finally brought up the whole past girlfriend question. it took me a long time, i think bc i was embarrassed that i didn't have any history really. i had this notion that if he found out i didn't ever have a boyfriend he would think i was a loser or see how innocent i was in high school and not want me anymore. but that is not the case. no no. we are in like with each other for sure. !

and i'm going to peru for three weeks this summer. and i'm volunteering with disabled kids in the outdoors. and i'm working at a farmer's market (...and gap kids...don't really want to brag about that). but i'm feeling cool again and i feel like my life is worth something again. i really think there is a correlation b/w volunteering and how happy i am. when i'm not giving back i feel like i'm missing something. so. note to self: always volunteer. there is always time to give away to others who need it.

time can change me but i can't change time

i can't believe how fricking fast things/life/years go by. there's only three weeks left of school? when did that happen? i only have 4 quarters left before i can graduate? what's that about? what the FUCK is that about? what the fuck am i going to do with my life?

an entire month passed since last time i posted. what happened? alotalotalotalot.alot.agoodlot.anamazinglot.
apainfullot.abusylot.asunnylot.akayakinglot.
animissmommylot.anikissandylot.
anicantwaitforfreakingsummerlot.
anihopeiappreciatemylifelot.alotalot.alot.