i'm really bad at saying things. for no reason, too. i just wait and wait until it's far more awkward than it should be because maybe it wouldn't have been awkward at all in the first place.

i need space. i used to be a fun, independent woman who party hopped and was flexible and went where the night took me. but now i feel stuck. i dread the weekends in a way because it means i don't have an excuse to not want you to spend the night. because i will have to lie and say i'd rather spend time with you than go to a party and get shit faced. i freaking love getting shit faced. and you don't understand that. i tried to tell you. and i thought we talked. but now you are back to making me feel guilty about going out without you. YOU DON'T LIKE PARTIES. you say you do, but whenever you go it's obvious you aren't having fun. Your feelings get hurt when i go to parties. so either you go with me, and then i don't have fun because you don't have fun, or i don't get to go to parties and you are happy. there's a problem here. you offended me last night. i paid for you to get into the buffalo and you fell asleep at the table. that is just plain rude. i was there trying to spend time with hilary and you took away from our time. we were both distracted and neither one of us had a good time. i need to be able to go out without you. i like being around a lot of people. i like being spontaneous. i don't want to be one of those couples who has to do everything together. i have this idea of a perfect relationship: we have planned date nights or stay in nights one night a weekend and i get to spend the other night with other friends to keep up those ties. i don't know if that's allowed in a relationship. if not, maybe i'm not ready then. i think i've lost a lot of friendship ties this year. sam is amazing and beautiful and is hanging out with rugby and lacrosse people more than me. she parties with my old crew and i don't. why can't we party together?

lucky charms

i'm going to peru and that's final.

sesame street

he said i love you. the way it happened was like a dream. i seriously wondered if it actually happened. we were sitting in his car after watching the sun set over all of seattle. he said it. and it felt so normal it didn't even register that something momentous just took place. and i didn't tell anyone this, but i knew he was going to say it. for 10 minutes i was scared he would say it. his eyes were all glisteny like and when that music came on i just knew. and i knew that he loves me. i know he loves me. i think i love him. i know i do as a friend. as one of my best friends. but i'm scared that i don't know what that kind of love feels like. so i'm scared to say it. but i said it anyway.

even if i do feel that way, i'm not ready to say it yet. maybe b/c i'm scared of giving my heart away to someone. b/c for all these years i've had responsibility for it and it's done ok. just a little heart ache here and there. but if i give it to someone else they might drop it, or forget it on the bus or not feed it enough. they might step on it or throw it away (not even recycle it) or neglect it. maybe b/c it might become full and happy and what if it bursts? or what if i am so happy, so indescribably happy, and i've finally been able to give my heart away and then something changes and it destroys me just like dad did to mom? or worst of all, what if i did that to him?

i had to ask him the next morning if that really happened. i felt like such an idiot and i couldn't even say those three words in the question. i said, "ummm....did you happen to say something to me last night?" as if he would get what i was saying. and of course he did b/c he's the nicest guy ever and he's near perfect. and i had to explain how it felt so natural and i hope i didn't offend him at all i just couldn't find the strength to tell him the truth. so i said it again. and i winced inside.

oh boy. i'm not ready am i?

i want to interact with other humans not preprogrammed money machines.

i don't understand the world sometimes. or the people in it. i don't comprehend how much hatred and malice can coexist with such beauty and purity. How can war and corruption and consumption take place while at the same time, in a quiet forest, a baby fern can unfurl with such grace, not asking for anything?

Why do humans need so damn much? Or further, why do I feel I need so much sometimes? Why can't I stop consuming, stop caring about what they tell us, stop that pressure that crushes our morals? Why do I get upset about buying the smallest thing but want everything so badly? I think I hate Bellevue. I hate what it stands for, what people are proud of here. I hate the reputation it gives me, that i inhereted, that i can't scrub off. My hands are stained for greed I did not commit to. I don't want cute clothes, i don't want to work for gap. i don't want to be stared at for riding my bike. i don't want to think about my body. i want to live.

i want to interact with other humans not preprogrammed money machines.

i just don't understand.

LIFE IS EITHER A DARING ADVENTURE, OR NOTHING.

-helen keller, 1940

whiskey serious.

andy met the fam this weekend and it was great. i think i'm falling in something. maybe the big L, maybe the big like, maybe a big pot of cuteness. whatever it is, i like it. and i finally brought up the whole past girlfriend question. it took me a long time, i think bc i was embarrassed that i didn't have any history really. i had this notion that if he found out i didn't ever have a boyfriend he would think i was a loser or see how innocent i was in high school and not want me anymore. but that is not the case. no no. we are in like with each other for sure. !

and i'm going to peru for three weeks this summer. and i'm volunteering with disabled kids in the outdoors. and i'm working at a farmer's market (...and gap kids...don't really want to brag about that). but i'm feeling cool again and i feel like my life is worth something again. i really think there is a correlation b/w volunteering and how happy i am. when i'm not giving back i feel like i'm missing something. so. note to self: always volunteer. there is always time to give away to others who need it.

time can change me but i can't change time

i can't believe how fricking fast things/life/years go by. there's only three weeks left of school? when did that happen? i only have 4 quarters left before i can graduate? what's that about? what the FUCK is that about? what the fuck am i going to do with my life?

an entire month passed since last time i posted. what happened? alotalotalotalot.alot.agoodlot.anamazinglot.
apainfullot.abusylot.asunnylot.akayakinglot.
animissmommylot.anikissandylot.
anicantwaitforfreakingsummerlot.
anihopeiappreciatemylifelot.alotalot.alot.

long deserved praise

Dear Jen,

Hi. I just want you to know how much of a friend you are. I love how you randomly text me just to see what's up. And how you always, always make me smile when we are around each other. and how we revert to potty humor and then back to talking about life and boys and then back to quoting fake songs. i feel like i have not appreciated you enough in my life. after caroline, i've known you the longest. you are seriously one of my best friends, and i'm sorry if i've ever been rude to you or talked about you because you are SERIOUSLY, genuinely one of the kindest people i know. and there is someone out there for you. i'm glad you haven't thrown yourself at the first guy that gave you attention just to make out. i'm so glad. i'm so proud of you for being adorable and cute and funny and rambunctious and for taking lacrosse and running with it. remember when you almost didn't play? when you came to that meeting last year and almost didn't put your name down? think about how different our lives would be. what would we have done last year? haha. we probably wouldn't have drank as much, that's for sure.

basically, i'm trying to say that i love you. i truly do. you are a best friend. thank you.


dear sam,

i think you are just pmsing, girl. isn't it weird how a wittle egg can turn your world upside down for a few days? you are way cooler than i. even if all 60 rec peeps asked me to lunch one day, i would pick you over them anyday. and truly i have a problem saying no to people (you know this) so when they came with me that day it was because we were walking in the same direction, going to the same place, and i didn't know how to tell them to flip off for a second so i could have a private conversation with my best friend. they are always at the underground. next time let's find a secret spot, ok? i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. i love you with all my heart.

and andy is great, but i hope that he never gets in between us. i hope that we can all hang out together. we haven't really done that yet. would you want to make dinner with me, andy, katy and max someday? or would you feel weird? b/c they are becoming some of my really good friends and i would love it if you could join us. but i know that different groups of friends hang out and it's ok and all to have different friends but maybes you could join us because you mean so much to me.

dear chelsea,

i miss you so much. and i know you are starting a life and it's kinda scary. i know you are scared, but you hide it well. i don't know how you do it. but you get everything you want. and not in an easy handed to you way. you work your ass off. and kick down doors and fences and if something doesn't work out you find a back alley or a side road and you get there anyway. i'm so proud of you. i hope i can someday visit you. say hi to remy for me, and cook some delicious french food for me too :)

dear frenchies,

please don't fall apart.

dear rose,

you are not fat. you are beautiful. it's ok. your knee will heal, your life will go on. your next few years are not set in stone. they should not be. thinking about cancelling your nols trip made you smile and be excited today. there is nothing wrong with that. it just opens up a lot of doors and closes those drawers of worry and anxiety. maybe peru. maybe save money to visit chels next winter. maybe tattoo. remember to buy razors and environmentally safe laundry detergent. oh and some sunscreen. don't feel bad about money. it's ok to buy a white t-shirt for spring. and maybe that dress. just do it. things will fall into place. they always do.

Q & A

weird. i saw khile today for the first time in forever and we just waved at each other and he walked by. no stopping and chatting. no making fun of each other. no questions about weed or what the other is doing this weekend. why do friends grow apart? why do relationships crumble? why does location make the best of friendships or the weakest ones?

why do people change?

why does my dad want everyone around him to struggle and never succeed? in ANYTHING. why is he one of the most confusing people i know?

why:

do i have ingrown hairs?
am i scared to be vegan with andy?
is all that i truly want to do is quit western and go to culinary school? even after founding a major basically tailored to me?
are kids and puppies the cutest things ever?
did i have to get shitty knees?
do people die?
can't i write this fucking essay?
is george bush such an asshole?
can't people accept others?
do people believe so whole heartedly in god and i don't?
am i scared to ask andy what he believes?
do i have such an awesome mom?
do some people make such a difference and others spend their whole lives being invisible?
is nudity more taboo than violence in this country?
am i so scared?
am i so sad these days?

a lot has happened.

a lot happens. a lot will happen.

i'm so sorry celia. i'm sorry for not knowing you better, for honestly not even really remembering you were in new zealand. for not knowing you were doing amazing research about iron in volcanic plumes. for not knowing you liked to dance in the kitchen. for never having been to your house even though you lived near greenlake. for never going to to all the amazing awesome things you invited me to. for signing off on skype one time when you were in england because i didn't know what to say to you. for not being as close as you and sheena and jacquelyn were. for not being more like a sister let alone like a cousin. for not writing a thank you note for your christmas present this year. for everything.

i really want to get away. from everyone. from everything. i've lost my coolness; i'm not cool anymore. i'm so fricking unsure of myself all the time. i had lunch with andy today and he frickin bought me flowers yesterday but when i called him after my bike ride and he didn't ask me what i was doing later i immediately thought that he was mad at me or something. that i said something during lunch or that i'm an idiot or that i'm ugly and he all of a sudden decided that he didn't like me anymore. what the eff david blaine? and i want to text him but feel that if i do i will seem like an insane obsessed freak. is it ok to text him all the time? should i be able to go an entire afternoon and evening combined without communicating? bleh.

[text missing]

i keep thinking about it. that horrible night. i don't know why. maybe because we're reading about rape in criminal justice. maybe because i'm torn whether to tell andy. maybe because i'm afraid that i'm blaming my timidness to touch on that night. am i just making excuses? did it really affect me that much?

why do i still cry about it? why do i feel so alone sometimes?

gravity

don't you just love when you are thinking about something or someone and then the thing happens or that person calls? i love that.

i know it's kinda weird, but sometimes i tell myself that if a song comes up on my ipod on shuffle then something will happen. today i was thinking that if gravity by john mayer came up something good would happen with andy. he just brought be a flower and some chocolate cake because he felt like it. and then gravity came up on pandora. not kidding.

i just thought i should document this moment. :)

also,

things change and i'm ok with that.

THANK YOU

sam for always just making everything everything seem ok.

andy for making my heart skip a beat and giving me something to look forward to.

shit on toast.

i just want to fucking run already. how does slipping on ice and falling on my ass turn into 5 weeks of inactivity? so frustrating.

i'm so tired right now. i should be asleep but i just want to do this. i went to illinois this weekend and probs got 10 hours of sleep b/w 2 days and for me that's not enough (it wasn't 5 each night). my face is breaking out again and sam and i can't afford our dreams. poop.

i also hate complaining so much.

i've realized by now that there are mean people. like our landlord. it can't be helped. i can't quite grasp how they justify their actions to themselves at night, but somehow they manage it.

i just never expect when people i love are mean to me. i must interpret the things i do as overly nice and to them they just seem extremely rude or something. like my roommates. the past few weeks i have tried to hard to show that i want to be here. i bought flowers, i bought them candy when i walked alone to the grocery store on an injured knee because they all went to costco without asking me when i was at work. i bought them each a box of candy hearts with a endearing message on the back last week (which jenny left, untouched on the table for the week). i came home yesterday from work with a bag of valentine's day m&m's. i paid rent and utilities on time. i do my dishes, i put my shit away. i empty the garbage when i see it's full. i jump and hug jenny and kelina when i come home and ask how their day went. i just don't understand what more i could be doing to illustrate that i enjoy living with them. that this is my house too. i didn't feel this way last quarter. i felt isolated and unhappy and i hated it. i really did. but after the flood i've actually had fun. me and kelina pretended to walk on the ceiling, and tea everynight with everyone is great. we played sardines and me and joe had a beer the other night because we felt like it.

and yesterday, when i bounced up the stairs to say hi to jenny and give her ten dollars she asked me if i was mad at her. what?! why is she so fucking conceited that she thinks i purposefully took note of what dish she had eaten dinner on and then decided to leave it in the sink and not wash it on top of my dishes to spite her. AND SHE ACCUSED ME OF NOT WASHING MY FUCKING CEREAL BOWL. what the hell was she doing watching what bowl i eat in anyway? and how could she see around the corner from the dining room to the kitchen to see if i washed it anyway? and why would i put a dirty dish into the clean dishes? who does she think i am? she offends me so often and i say nothing because i think she just says the wrong thing. but lately i can't handle it. who does she think she is? ajklfdsjkafdsjkl;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;dfsgijlh.

i don't get angry and she has made me angry. i didn't acknowledge her when she ate breakfast this morning.

cold hands, tired feet

it's funny how easily i accept things sometimes. like today i found out that india is going to be incredibly expensive. and if i get any aid, IF i get any, i won't be able to receive it until the first day of fall quarter which is september 26ish and the tuition is due june 10 and we leave in august. and when i left the financial aid dept. i was just kind of like, "well, ok. i guess i should look into another program". where did all my fight go? like there are some programs that would only cost basically the same as western's tuition. and i picked one that is like 10 times that. could i be satisfied with one of those? i could go anywhere in the world. i know i'm lucky. but why does money always get in the way of the best choice?

sam, i'm really sorry about your situation. i truly wish i could do something for you. i wish i could just reach in my pocket and give you a thousand dollars so you could eat. and pay for simone's crew. and buy your parents all that they deserve (even though they appreciate all they have, and are the amazing kind of people who don't need things to be happy). your family works so hard and they just don't get a break. someday they will. i promise. if i ever get rich i will give them that break. they've done so much for me. you have too. let's get coffee tomorrow and just vent. ok? ok.








goodnight moon.

cimanin toast

remember when it was exciting to blow bubbles in chocolate milk? or how a fairy tale was all you needed on a friday night? oh, or the incomparable attractivness the space from your lost tooth has for your tongue? god it felt soo good to slide over that slick crevasse. you could never stop. it was everyone's first addiction i'm pretty sure.

i remember swingsets and sandboxes and splinters and gardens and the complete confidence in who i was. the whisperings exchanged between bunkbeds, the palaces constructed of trusty blankets who all had names, all dogs go to heaven, the stinky cheese man. when i decided to run away from home and ran back crying after a block. that time when the police officer told me and caroline not to skate on frozen puddles and how badass we thought we were. bellevue christian school's playground. when me and erin danced in the rain in the middle of the street with our barbies. the hill. the snow. the plants that i can now identify in our yard. the bus stop. when caroline threw up on our way to our very first girl scout meeting. the halloween carnival. counting candy and then eating it all in like 2 days. discovering swear words. when someone was there to tell you what to do. dad.

screw boys i think i shall become a nun. well, then i couldn't screw boys.

sam, i would just like to refute your first comment because you are wrong. there is a better person, best friend and wife.

you.

oh hello

happy belated new year!

new year's resolutions:

1. save my money
2. go to india
3. get him
4. finish a v2 route
5. do my homework earlier so i can go to bed earlier and actually catch the bus in time
6. let the fuck go

my arms look so good today. rock climbing really does the trick. ha i can't even stop looking at 'em.